reboot: confessions of a jaded college student

feeling kind of poopy…you know, the I’m-exhausted-because-I don’t-have-a-normal sleep-schedule-since-I can’t-sleep-until-4am kind. the poop-ish (is that even a wordddD?) feeling has inspired a reflective and  pointless rant. a stream of conscience, if you will.

i need to reboot. need to have a fresh start. need to pick up a new hobby. i don’t know, maybe read for pleasure instead of reading fat engineering books to study for midterms or finals. hmm, what’s a good book? get a nice camera, so i can take more pictures. actually play tennis, and not just pretend to think about playing. make time and hang out with people who i’ve grown close to in the past 5 yrs. try something new. donate blood and get over my fear of needles. finally get into android development. learn something new everyday. learn a new language (both abstract and real). learn to play the guitar or drums. play with legos. color outside the lines. oh that was so deep and profound. i am a philosopher. woohoo.

school work is so mundane and monotonous. so glad it’s ending soon…the past 5 years have been exhausting to say the least. engineering has sucked the life out me. when i try to parse out my life in college, it all seems like such a blur. i vaguely remember insane review sessions for programming paradigms, which was the hardest class i have ever taken. damn, what a mofo. or data structures & algorithms. or operating systems. or <insert any engineering class here>.  i remember sitting in the SWE room, complaining about everything with fellow enginerds. i remember the stalker we had junior year. oh boy, was that fun. i remember volunteering at a low-income high school to show girls that engineering can be fun. i remember all the class projects and the friday night meetings b/c we couldn’t meet any other time.  i remember going crazy over swe banquets and running after companies to sponsor them. i remember hosting a conference, which honestly was such a fun, yet painful experience. i remember traveling to swe conferences and almost missing flights because i overslept. i remember taking a full engineering course load (5 classes aka 15 units) AND working part-time AND being an active swe officer AND managing not to kill myself in the process. i remember pulling all-nighters coding programming assignments because of a silly bug that wouldn’t budge. i remember hating GE classes b/c they were such a pain in the ass and also b/c they proved the fact that i was (and still am) the worst writer in the world (for ex: current pointless rant). i remember walking alone to my car at 2am in downtown san jose because i was in finishing up a lab that took 16 hrs. scariest shit ever, never doing that again.

ahh, i don’t know where i’m going with this. i guess getting two degrees in 5 yrs = double the seniorities. oh and it is hitting so hard right now. i just don’t have that extra motivation to do any work because i am so fucking burnt out already. as a matter of fact, i’m in the mood to reflect as evidenced by this reflective rant. i feel like i’ve grown up so much in the last 5 years, yet i haven’t changed a bit. college was an experience and as much as i am ready to graduate, i’m really not. i still want to be a college student. i still want to live it up. i still want to enjoy every single bit of it that i couldn’t enjoy due to the lack of a social life, which was consumed by engineering. i want to be a college student, without the classes. i feel like i’ve earned the right to live it up and party. i don’t want to grow up. i don’t want to think about the future and all of its uncertainties. i don’t want to plan anything b/c when do things actually go according to plan? 20s are the best decade of your life and they’re only just beginning. i wanna to enjoy it till it lasts. am i right or what?

but then again, i do care about my future. i care so deeply about it that i can’t sleep at night not knowing what i’m doing with it. i feel like everyone’s set in their paths. they’re well on their way into their careers and i’m the only one who’s lost and uncertain. i hate being a step behind everyone. i hate comparing, but it’s inevitable. the grass it always greener, right? i do want to have a successful career. i do want to plan everything out. i want to know exactly what i’ll be doing in 5 years. 10 years. 20 years. i’m not really a spontaneous person, even though i would like to do. i don’t like bad surprises. i want to be my own person. whatever that means. as much as i would appreciate not getting advice about what i should’ve done or what i should be doing with my life, I REALLY WOULD LIKE the advice. because i don’t know what the hell i’m doing. someone just tell me what to do please. thanks. i want to live a monotonous life, knowing everything will turn out just fine and that tomorrow will be just as good as today.

you know how they say, “you have to lose yourself first, before finding yourself” or some shit like that. yeah, i wanna do that. i’m not making any sense at all. it’s the sleep deprivation talking. 

dammit, i don’t have a plan. i don’t know what’s going to happen when i graduate. so not ready for the “next chapter” in my life. i don’t knowwww. damn future, why you gotta be so mysterious?!1

i need a crystal ball. stat.

ps. currently playing: unwritten - natasha bedingfield. 

shut up.